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-
- GAVIN'S STORIES . . .
-
-
- Strangely Amusing and Illuminating Stories
- From the Great Philosopher, Gavin and
- Aloysius &tSftDotIotE
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 1. JUAN AND THE AMAZON WOMEN
-
- Deep in the jungles of South America, there lived a tribe of
- Amazon warrior women headhunters. One day, the incredibly skilled and
- wonderful Spanish explorer Juan de Burrito de la Mucho! Grande
- stumbled across their village while looking for a contact lens. Faced
- with certain death at the hands of hundreds of fierce but beautiful
- amazion women, he kindly asked if the beautiful young ladies had seen
- his contact lens. Since, of course, the hundreds of fierce but
- beautiful amazon women had never seen soft contact lenses -- though
- they were familiar with hard contacts; they used those for diaphragms
- (with a smiley-face painted on them: "servix with a smile") -- they,
- of course, merely grunted twice and brandished their stone spears a
- tad bit more menacingly, and poked poor Juan de Burrito in the booty.
- Rubbing the new red spot on his bottom and frowning, he kindly asked
- the Amazon babes to lend him one of their "smiling servix" hard
- contact lenses, and so they agreed to give him one after he spent a
- night of carnal passion with them. Being a hearty young Spanish lad,
- and, since he wanted the lenses badly, he agreed.
- The next morning, still gleaming from the night before, the again
- trekked out into the harsh, unyielding jungles of South America.
- Wherever he looked, he saw smiles -- he could not understand why. (He
- was undoubtedly quite fortunate that he did not encounter a
- patriarchal tribe that used the hard contact lenses for
- prophylactics.)
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 2. PRINCE GENE AND PRINCESS BOP
-
- Long, long ago, in the land beyond the wobbly road, there lived an
- unhappy prince named Gene. Gene was unhappy because his father wanted
- him to marry the princess Bop. But Gene didn't want to marry anyone.
- He just wanted to chase the bunnies and frolic and play in the meadow.
- So one day, Gene came up with a plan.
- He decided he would use his NERGRO SEMANGEMATOR to cause the sun
- to go nova, while he escaped the disaster on a very special photon.
- However, 23 hours before he could put his plant into operation, an
- asteroid hit the planet, and the following cloud cover obscured his
- NERGRO SEMANGEMATOR's transmission beam to the sun, and so he resorted
- to shooting the damn bitch in the head with a bazooka. The end.
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 3. THE KING AND THE GREAT ZAMIS
-
- Once upon a time, there lived a king whose crown rested on a
- troubled brow. You see, this king had an annoying and nagging
- problem: a thorn in his side; a fly in the soup. And this problem
- was so bad that it threatened the socio-economic stability of his
- kingdom and perhaps of the _world itself_ (irregularity)!
- He contacted the wisest sages in the land to no avail. Finally he
- found the greatest wizard in the land: The Great ZAMIS! And he said
- that he definitely saw a cucumber of great wealth in the King's
- future. Since the king was a very silly sod (and damn gullible, too),
- he went to the market and bought the first cucumber he saw for $199.95
- (in gold pieces), thinking that this was the cucumber of great wealth
- that Zamis spoke of. He cut from the end four inches and gave them to
- a dirty old man who made permanent residence deep in the Amazon (but
- was temporarily staying on a bench in downtown New York City directly
- in front of a topless bar). The man did not seem grateful. The King
- immediately returned to Zamis and told him of the cucumber.
- Zamis was unimpressed. "You must study Zen Buddhism," said Zamis.
- But the King said, "What about the Italians?"
- Zamis ensured the King that usually Italian buddhists were fat,
- ugly, and had shiny bellies. The King disagreed strongly, and Zamis'
- honor was threatened. Zamis bellowed, "May you be plagued always by
- dog hair in your mouth!" Suddenly, he was gone. After a few minutes,
- the King began to get a funny taste in his mouth. In moments, he
- realized he was soon to die. He screamed as the dog hair spread into
- his nose. Soon every every square inch of his exposed skin was
- covered. Then his eyes watered, and he realized that the hair was
- growing there, too. Soon to be a fur rug, he gasped, "Good-bye!"
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- INTERMISSION 1
-
- QUESTION: If the iridium layer exists, why do short people tie
- their shoelaces backwards?
-
- Answer: Well, as everyone knows, if the iridium layer exists,
- then the dinosaurs died out because of an asteroid impact. The
- mutants of the dinosaurs are, in fact, the short people. They tie
- their shoelaces backwards in mourning of their long-lost loved ones
- because of this event.
-
- AND NOW, BACK TO THE ACTION . . .
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 4. NICOLE'S DREAMS
-
- There once was this girl named Nicole. Nicole had troubled
- dreams. She would see herself in the middle of a giant chessboard
- dressed in flowing white robes, and she heard this loud voice whisper
- the word: "Tongue! Tongue!" She went to a wise sage to interpret
- the dream, and he said that the giant chessboard symbolized the desk
- of love (since there was no one else on the board). He also said that
- the voice that whispered, "Tongue! Tongue!" was that high school
- foreign language teacher that had always troubled her so.
- After the wise sage had finished, she said, "Hey, you know, like,
- you could be right!" So she reamed him and took his basketball trophy
- and pawned it and bought a trumpet and got sucked into the Twilight
- Zone.
- So Rod Serling walked up to her and offered her a cigarette,
- belched, and then he said, "Come wiz me to the Cazbah," and when she
- brandished her orange juicer (the same device by which she reamed the
- wise sage -- whose whole is no wider), he ran away screaming. Since
- Nicole was bored, she turned the juicer on herself.
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 5. FRED AND GROVER'S QUEST
-
- Once upon a time there was a sea urchin named Fred. He met a bird
- named Grover. This was especially interested because birds don't like
- cold water. So, Grover and Fred went on a sacred quest to find out
- why a bird would be around cold water.
- They came across a wild, wise coral reef named 101001011. But
- since they couldn't communicate with him (coral can't talk, silly),
- they couldn't deduce that he was wise.
- In a last, desperate attempt to learn the truth, they reamed the
- reef (which was a neat trick, since neither of them could readily
- find the coral's anal cavity. They just plugged the closest hole
- they could find). After they were satisfied, they returned to Eden.
- You see, Grover was the first true bird and the reason he liked cold
- water is because he didn't have any cavities!
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 6. FRED JORDACHE
-
- There was once a man named Fred Jordache who really liked bottoms.
- One day he found a rather friendly bottom walking down the street, and
- he asked her for directions to a rest room. After she told him, he
- asked her what she was doing and she said, "Oh, just hanging around!"
- They laughed for a time and then rented a motel and spent a night of
- ecstasy together. After making love like crazed weasels, Ms. Bottom
- asked him, "Will you respect me in the morning?"
- Touching the skin of her cheek softly, he whispered back to her,
- "Certainly not. You're a disembodied pelvis."
- She let out a puff of gas.
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 7. POOPLAH'S QUEST
-
- There once lived a protozoan named Pooplah. Pooplah was in love
- wth the beautiful and amazing Princess Margo. But because Pooplah was
- only a microscopic organism, he could not voice his true feelings.
- So he bid a tearful good-bye to his friends on the microscope slide
- and went on a quest. He was looking for a way to finally ooze on his
- dream girl and show her the wonderful feeling of osmosis. The first
- thing that he came across was a small dust particle with latent inbred
- schizophrenic/multiple-personality traits, walking with a slight limp
- (which is a neat trick for a dust particle). The dust particle said,
- "I think your quest is really silly. No I don't! I mean, Princess
- Margo will just get a cold from you. No she won't! -- Yes she will!"
- Suddenly the dust particle juiced in his pajamas! And then, the dust
- particle whipped out his . . . puree blender and maliciously
- threatened to remove Pooplah's contractile vacuole with it. (Pooplah
- never knew a blender could do that!) Eventually, after twenty-three
- nanoseconds of mortal combat with the dust particle, Pooplah managed
- to vanquish the evil beast. Continuing on, he encountered some
- Spanish flye (tm) that carbon-14 dating indicated to be approximately
- 1.6 weeks old. Avoiding the fact that unaged Spanish flye can be very
- hazardous, he introduced it to Margo anyway. After convulsing
- violently, she returned to her room and promptly kicked the bucket.
- Pooplah didn't even get a chance to "osmosis" her. So the moral of
- the story is never use or play with Spanish flye, unless it's
- artificially processed (with sweeteners), or unless it's two weeks
- old. Otherwise you could become real unhappy-like.
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 8. HEAD HONCHO
-
- The office was dark and damp. Within sat the monarch of students
- and teachers alike behind a desk notched with the marks of axes and
- knives. In stepped the downcast foreign languages teacher, weary with
- work, to face the judgement of the HEAD HONCHO.
- With a booming voice that commanded respect, he spoke: "The
- results of the evaluation are in," he said. "The penalty for failure
- is to be strapped against a large striped pole securely and then
- whipped until completely and utterly senseless with a rubber hose
- covered in maple syrup. Afterwards, we will use a microscope
- coverslide on your jugular vein and give you a trillion paper cuts.
- Then we will pop you until you get a bloody nose and start crying.
- And then, we will drip sulfuric acid on your forehead FOREVER!" He
- broke into hysterical laughter.
- After accidentally relieving himself, the now-mortified teacher
- ran like a sissy out of the mystical chamber.
- When HEAD HONCHO was quite certain the sissy-teacher had left
- sight, he pulled out his stuffed aardvark and played doctor.
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 9. SATAN'S DEMISE
-
- Once upon a time, there was an evil teacher named Satan. This
- teacher ruled her students with an iron hand, a will of steel, and a
- heart of ice. She was stilted and nonsensical. One day, poor,
- innocent yet determined students made a desperate attempt at freedom.
- They acquired a few matches and some gasoline in a metal canister.
- Secretively, they planned to pour the gasoline over Satan's head when
- she was writing nonsense on the top of the overhead projector and set
- fire to her body. Then, as she lie writhing on the floor, Pork would
- give her a body slam she would never forget. As her skin bubbled,
- they'd remove the air from the room, and her blood would boil and her
- body inflate in the near-vacuum. But before she died from zero
- atmospheric pressure, they would pump air back into the room and
- maliciously call her "Gan!" from a nearby window. Then, Raba would
- challenge and browbeat her and make her hair go flat. Then Gabin
- would enter with the dreaded orange juicer shoved up the wazoo and
- taunt her (because he wouldn't let her shove it up hers). Then the
- Great Zamis would enter with his grey T-shirt and spit at her mushy,
- yucky bodily remains. Since, being Satan, she would not beead --
- merely stunned. Then these freedom-fighting students would bring in
- their most dreaded weapon of all, the SUPERNATURAL OMNIPRESENT
- UNIVERSAL ENTITY LEANN LIN (tm), who would cast powerful spells and
- heinous majik that would render Satan helpless. Then, with Nemec,
- they would put her on top of the VCR cart, and wheel her down to the
- A/V room where the servants of GH0D would dispose of the evil teacher
- once and for all.
-
-
- -)(-
-
-
- INTERMISSION 2:
- AN HAIKU BY ALOYSIUS
-
- Mafia watch me
- Zippo makes me think of May
- I love gasoline
-
- AND NOW, THE GRAND FINALE . . .
-
- -)(-
-
-
- 10. THE HOLY WHISTLE OF HARMONY
-
-
- Once upon a time in a world not unlike our own, there was a
- valiant Sensei who was charged with a sacred mission by the Great
- Colossal Wazoo. This sensei had to find the Holy Whistle of Harmony.
- The Whistle lay smack dab in the middle of the Prefecture of Peril.
- So she slung her overhead projector over her back and went on her way.
- On the way to the Prefecture of Peril, the valiant Sensei of Law
- encountered a large pit, perhaps 100 meters in diameter. The bottom
- of the pit was enshrouded in darkness. "Could the Whistle of Harmony
- be located in this abyss?" she thought. Looking closely, she saw a
- shimmer of light at the bottom of the abyssal depths. Believing this
- was a sign from the Wazoos, she prepared to descend the pit.
- Fashioning a crude helicopter/blender from the overhead projector,
- and using a molar tooth for fuel, she descended into the pit.
- Suddenly, the light bulb burned out and she fell hundreds of meters in
- the doomed craft to the floor below. When she came to, she saw on the
- sandy floor the biggest gosh darn diamond she ever did see. It shone
- with an erie, artificial light.
- The diamond seemed to mystically call her, so she went against
- better judgement and pocketed it. When she put the crystal in her
- pocket, it began to glow through her garments. Confused, she took it
- back out of her pocket. Lo and behold -- there was the Holy Whistle
- of Harmony, encased inside the diamond!
- Knowing that the diamond is the hardest natural mineral, our
- valiant Sensei realized she was going to have something of a time
- getting the Whistle out of the diamond. After a few moments of
- concentration, she realized she had a rather more pressing concern:
- she was hundreds of meters inside a dark pit with her
- helicopter/blender utterly beyond repair.
- In despair, she backed up aganst a wall and fell through it! In
- her despair, she had discovered what seemed to be a secret passage!
- In she went, using the diamond as a light. She walked for many hours
- until her little short stubby legs could carry her no longer. As she
- sat and rested, she began to smell gasoline!
- Frantically searching for the gas pipe leak, she managed to find
- the pilot light switch for the gas-powered furnace. Mistaking the ON
- knob for the OFF, she accidentally turned up the flame. The resulting
- explosion removed the diamond from her hand and flung it through the
- burning, coarse air.
- Sensei awoke from her dreamless sleep in what seemed to her to be
- a hospital room, all painted with white. From her groggy eyes she
- espied the magic Whistle freed from its diamond prison! It was
- hanging from the opposite wall on a nail. As she tried to get up, she
- realized she was in a full body cast! Nevertheless, she inched her
- way to the edge of the bed. But alas! She fell in a stiff lump on
- the floor with a loud "KA-WAPPA-BAM-KABLEWY!" Then she heard
- footsteps in the hall outside!
- Realizing that it would be quite impossible for her to get up and
- hide -- since she was in a body cast and had rather uncomfortable
- burns all over her body -- she cunningly disguised herself as a lamp
- post. Hoping that the new intruder would not recognize her as an
- agent of the Great Colossal Wazoo, she stood very still.
- Presently, in walked a doctor with a long, frightening thermometer
- in hand. Unfortunately, the lamp post disguise did not deceive him --
- he spotted our heroine quite easily. "Time to take your rectal
- temperature," he cackled, holding up his thermometer so it glinted in
- the artificial light.
- Breaking loose her short, stubby legs from the plastery mold, she
- began to run from the doctor around the room. Leaping over the bed
- and through the curtains, the doctor finally tripped on the bed post
- and impaled himself on the thermometer. This was the break she was
- counting on. Amazingly, she had not been burned, because her skin was
- in perfect condition (except the cellulite). Using the tattered body
- cast as clothing, she scooped up the whistle and opened the window
- with intent to escape.
- Unfortunately, she did not realize that the window was rigged with
- an anti-dummy(tm) anti-theft device that delivered one trillion volts
- of raw electricity to her probing fingers. The following involuntary
- jerk of her arm due to the high voltage caused her arm to dislodge
- from the socket. (Fortunately, plaster does not conduct electricity
- well at all; otherwise, she might have been brutally and horribly
- killed.)
- Picking up her separated arm from the rubble of the room with her
- remaining good arm, she ventured into the harsh, unyielding world just
- outside the electrically-drained window.
- Inching her way across the ledge hundreds of meters above the
- ground, she slowly made her way to a window washer's platform.
- Suddenly, screaming vultures descended from the sky and started
- clawing at her. With only her severed arm as a weapon, you can
- imagine it didn't work too well. So, in a valiant attempt to keep the
- Whistle of Harmony out of avian hands, she jumped from the ledge,
- plunging to certain death!
- As she fell, she blew the magic Whistle with weary lips. The
- sweet sounds surrounded her with white light and she was transported
- directly in front of the Great Colossal Wazoo!
- "We see that you have finished your great sacred quest and have
- recovered the Whistle of Harmony from the very bowels of the
- Prefecture of Peril successfully." He cast a Great Wazoo spell and
- the severed limb was magically reattached to the bloody stump. (She
- discovered later in life, however, that she had lost a lot of feeling
- in her finger tips.) "We will reward you," he continued, "with the
- greatest prize any mortal could ever hope for -- the Great Zamis as a
- lifelong companion in the great hills behind the wiggly river. In
- addition, we will give you one of these excellent inflatable five-foot
- Whistle of Harmony dolls. Have a nice day."
- This valiant Sensei spent many happy years between the inflatable
- Whistle and the Great Zamis. They had many children and ulcers and
- lived happily ever after. Hic. Cough.
-
-
- -)(-